2 and a half years later......

2 and a half years ago my mom died......I have had 4 miscarriages.....But I have been with an amazing man for 6 years now....

So I came upon a realization last night. It took us trying to resolve an issue for it to finally happen. I am sad. In fact, I am miserable. I try so very hard to keep myself busy and tell myself that I am fine. But I am not fine. I am so utterly sad and it is affecting my relationships with others. I was told that it felt like I cared about an activity more than I cared about a person and it hit me in between the eyes. I have been pushing down my depression. I have been telling myself I am just fine and that I need to be happy. But I am not happy. Deep down inside I am constantly crying. But of course I don’t talk about it. Because who wants to sit there and listen to my moaning and whining? No one. They may say “If you ever need to talk, you can always talk to me.” But that’s not true. There comes a point to where they either want to fix it. Or they are so tired of me “whining” that they don’t talk to me as much. So I revert to keeping myself busy. And don’t get me wrong, I truly enjoy the activities I involve myself in. But I think I have been concentrating on that so that I don’t have to think about how I feel. And I admit, I have been a bad wife. It’s true. I totally admit it. I get snippy at J for absolutely no reason. For the last few months I have just kept griping at him when it wasn’t his fault at all. Things that in the past wouldn’t really have bothered me.

So what do I do? I don’t know yet. But I am trying. So for any of those that I have acted irrationally I am sorry. Or for those who think I am doing just fine and that I am so strong after my mother’s death and 4 miscarriages, I’m not. But I am trying.