My blog

So I have realized that the nature of this blog has changed a bit. I started out with a postitive outlook for 2013 and made some goals. Of course I realize that this might have been my way to keep covering up my depression which of course doesn't/didn't help.

So I have decided to change the reason for this blog a little bit. I need this to be somewhat of an outlet for me. Some way of getting out some things and working through stuff. And I SERIOUSLY ask that you do not comment on this with some sort of positive reinforcement or some "I love you", "hugs", "you are great", etc. That is not why I do this. I need to work through stuff and obviously if I don't try something, I may implode into a black hole.

A couple of weeks ago Dr. Jonie told J and I that after some of the blood results came back she found something out. No I do not have a thyroid issue. That came back okay. But I do have an abnormal insulin problem. After looking it up, some are calling it "Hyperglycemia", some "Pre-diabetic". Either way, the doc said that that is a possible cause of why I can't seem to keep a baby passed 7 weeks. An hour after drinking that horrible glucose drink, my insulin level sky rocketed. And I guess that is of course not good when you are trying to get the right amount of nutrition to the baby. So she put me on Metformin and said that it may also help to begin a "lower-carb" diet. So I have decided to try the Atkins diet. I have already tried some of their granola bars and peanut butter cups and they are great. I will say this is going to be hard for me. Apparantly my body craves lots of carbs because of this and let me just say that going without french fries and baked potatoes has been a bitch. But I am determined. And I am even more determined not to quit. Because I do that with this stuff. I do really well for like a week and then I revert right back to what is comfortable and easy because I am lazy.

She also told me that the fibroid that they saw in the last sonogram was 6cm and should probably be removed. Apparantly fibroids can be an issue if: they are inside the uterine wall, or near the wall on the outside, or are more that 3-4cm in length. Well mine is apparantly 6cm outside and it will get bigger. That also may be a cause. (So many things!) So I have scheduled an appointment for surgery in September. I haven't done the pre-op meeting to know what to expect so I can give that information.

She also said that I am going to have to take the thrombotic bloodwork again because the lab did the wrong one. This one is supposed to test me again for Factor 5 and my MTHFR. She said that it is possible that it could have been a "false positive". Who knows?

So what does that bring my list up to why I have had 4 MC in the last 2 years?

1. MTHFR (hereditary on dads side)
2. Hyperglycemia or Pre-diabetic (Mom and dads side? Can't remember. Mom was Type 2)
3. A really big Fibroid in my uterus.

But on the plus side....they did take a chromosomal test from me and J. This is the test I was really nervous about. Because no matter whatever chemical stuff that is wrong with me, if our chromosomes don't match up there is nothing they can really do for that. Got a call during our vacation in Tahoe. Test came back negative! Such a relief. At least a little bit. The thing I am worried about is that no matter what I try and fix in my body, if we try and fail again, I will definitely close myself off and fall into a hole somewhere never to come back.

And I don't want to hear "Maybe this is what God has planned" or "Don't worry, your day will come" or "There is always adoption". Not at ALL what I want to hear. I don't mean to sound rude. But I know that every woman who has gone through a MC has a different outcome and viewpoint. Let me and J work this out. Honestly. This has been tough on our relationship as well. We are the Smoopy's, but that doesn't always make things better. I know that he is hurting too. I see him with our niece and nephews and goddaughter and how well he does with them. But I also see the longing in his eyes and the want/sadness and I am so saddened by the fact that now I know it is my fault. And yes, technically it is me. It's my genetics and predisposition that has caused us these problems.

And some people are telling me that it's a good thing that this has happened. Because now I know some health issues that I may not have figured out until I was my mom's age and then die at 50 like she did. But that doesn't actually help. I know that there are MANY other women that have gone through more MC's than this or have had gotten further along and then lost it. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and I know that when people tell me things that they feel will "help", it doesn't mean that I don't appreciate their intention.

Anyway, I am wearing down for today. Need to do other things. Bye!

H